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5 Phrases Female Founders Love to Hear

This is definitely what the VCs are telling you

Are you a lady-person? Are you thinking about starting your own tech company? No matter where you’re at in the startup journey, never fear: this is the article for you.

We polled female founders and got the inside scoop on their favorite phrases from high-stakes pitch sessions. These actual quotes from venture capitalists and angel investors will help you prep for your own startup launch.

They say knowledge is half the battle — well, after studying these, you’ll be ready for the funding frontlines.

“Is this your husband’s company?”

…If so, we want to hand over the whole operation to you — you did an incredible job pitching it. Also, our firm strongly believes in having more women CEOs in Silicon Valley. We’ve already got too many men running companies around here. Frankly, we’re completely sick of them, whizzing around on their Onewheels and hoverboards and Segways and whatever the latest overpriced dudebro skateboard-replacement is. They’re a complete hazard. Anyway, your husband won’t mind, right?

Is this your husband’s company? We want to hand over the whole operation to you. (Tweet this)

We’ll fund you if you can promise us that we’ll never have to look at one of these things ever again.

“Are you planning to start a family?”

…Because we’re totally disrupting parental leave policies in the VC world. We provide all CEO parents with a 24/7 executive support team, private nurseries, unlimited leave, and free childcare. When you return to work we’ll even provide all the necessary childcare services and facilities. Unlike our competitors, we believe our CEOs are whole human beings, not just soulless automatons — so we totally support them.

We venture capitalists know you aren’t a soulless robot. That’s why we’ll support you no matter what family planning choices you make!

“You should hire a young guy in a hoodie…”

…Don’t get me wrong — your startup is amazingly diverse. We love it. It’s fantastic. A company that’s all women? Totally incredible. But the white male demographic is just… a bit underrepresented right now. Well, actually, you have exactly… ah… zero of them. So, perhaps a couple token white male hires — just one or two? Hoodies are preferred, but certainly not required. Just, you know, don’t lower the bar to get them.

You should hire a young guy in a hoodie. Just, you know, don’t lower the bar to get them. (Tweet this)

Everyone please warmly welcome our latest diversity hire!

“Why don’t we review this pitch over drinks instead?”

…I’m talking about coffee, of course! There’s a fabulous fair trade, single-origin coffee shop right around the corner. They’ve got amazing pour-over. Oh, and the croissants? To die for. Give me a sec and I’ll ping the rest of the firm to meet us there. Just between you and me, some of our VCs are the worst when they’ve got low blood sugar. So, loading them up with pastries is a brilliant strategy — we’ve heard such great things about you, and we want you to have a positive experience!

Asking you out to a bar would be totally inappropriate. Good thing I‘m definitely not doing that!

“We don’t invest in women…”

…because that would be absolutely unethical! Are you kidding me? Invest money in actual people? That’s, like, basically human trafficking. We’re against anything like that. Completely morally opposed. But we totally love your idea and want to fund you. Er… that is, fund your company. So, we’ll have our partners send the funding prospectus over later this afternoon? Great! We’re so excited to have you on board!

We don’t invest in women. That’s, like, basically human trafficking. (Tweet this)

If only it was actually that easy.

Kimberly is a writer and photographer. When she isn’t satirizing tech culture, you’ll probably find her traveling or eating.

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Based on actual tragicomic quotes from Wired, Observer, Elephant in the Valley, and discussions with female founders.

Noun Project credit: Female CEO by RROOK, Hoverboard by Anton Kalik, single parent by Amandine Vandesteene, guy by Mike Rowe + hoodie by Ed Harrison, Croissant by + coffee to go by Apirat Ditsayarak, Sign by Nick Bluth

We hope you enjoyed this piece of satire! We are excited to have this new form of story on Code Like A Girl.