My mind is not where it needs to be
I’ve been really feeling splintered lately. I don’t know how else to explain it. I have had such strong “imposter syndrome” over the last couple of weeks that it is affecting every part of my life, personal and professional.
I have been struggling with the competing feelings of gratefulness (for being given the awesome opportunity to work at my company, to which I am devoted) and feelings of disappointment (for not getting any real on-the-job training. I am learning as I go, on my own.)
I have been told that programmers are supposed to be independent and “exhaust all their own resources” before asking for help, but I cannot help but want some 1-on-1 training. Yes, I do communicate this to my manager. I value my job and my manager too much to not communicate fully. I can at least do that. However, what I need is just not available to me at this time. We do not have enough Android developers.
I am happy to be back doing actual Android work again, and not Python scripts (for now, at least.) However, I am working in a new team which includes only one very overburdened, experienced Android developer who will not allow me to sit with him. The rest of the team performs other functions (UX, iOS dev, project manager, SCRUM master, etc.) I am not able to perform the way I would like to be able and this makes me sad. I want very badly to be productive and carry my own weight on the team, but so far I am given minor pieces, and know that I am not able to do more. Now I am wishing I hadn’t spent so much time learning Python. It slowed my progress on Android.
I want to spend as much time outside of work as possible studying, but I have been mildly sick for about 6 weeks now (a cold that won’t let go, started by the change of weather) and I have been insanely tired. Some days I return home and fall asleep almost immediately and for the night! I have been trying to get healthier and lose weight, but even with strict caloric guidelines and splurging on a personal trainer at the gym, it is slow moving. 12 years of steadily adding weight is going to take a long time and a lot of effort to get rid of. I am hoping that I can get a good start in the 12 weeks that I have contracted the personal trainer, and afterwards I can follow her guidelines on my own. I figure that since I got a “jump start” on getting my brain in shape in 12 weeks (the bootcamp) maybe I can do the same with my body.
Thank you for reading my Medium pieces. Sometimes my thoughts go all over the place, but I think it is worthwhile to document my journey, whether moving forward or sliding backwards on my path. I am hoping it will help someone. If just one person benefits in some way, I will be glad.