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Predicting 2017’s hottest new tech

Changing the world has never looked so good

What are the next big startups developing right now? We looked into our crystal ball and couldn’t see anything (404: Future Not Found). But, given the industry’s current emphasis on diversity hackathons, here are our predictions for some of the hottest new diversity-related apps we’re almost totally positive you’ll see in the next year.

Crisis response personal assistant

If you’re not feeling okay, “OK Google” isn’t going to cut it — and everyone knows Siri is basically useless for emergency response. Enter the crisis response personal assistant. This app will replace the friend you turn to when you’re in trouble, backed by the power of Empathy AI™.

Having an emergency? Don’t worry, once you hit precisely the right amount of vocal panic, this app will contact emergency services. All of them.

Need psychological comfort? Friendly Emotional Support-Bot is here for you, and puppies and kittens are on the way (powered by Uber and Lyft).

We’re giving it 50/50 odds that this one has a conversational interface.

A revolutionary new hairdryer

Okay, it’s not an app, but major new movement in the hardware space is a sure bet, specifically when it comes to high-end hair appliances. IBM started it. Dyson dropped the mic. Brace yourself: tech is throwing down the gauntlet, all thanks to the magical and mysterious power of the weird, dead protein strands growing from your head.

“It’s not just me, right?”

Microaggression monitor

Have you ever wondered if your coworker would have said that kinda awful thing to their colleague? Well, wonder no more. Say or type a phrase and this app could evaluate the likelihood that it’s a microaggression.

Useful features might include:

  • Auto-categorization with tags like “whoa, that was racist,” “totally homophobic”, “you got objectified!”, and “COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE ON EVERY LEVEL”.
  • Daily, weekly, and monthly statistics comparing the microaggression numbers at your company to other employees around the world.
  • Zoomable heatmap showing microaggression frequency. You know, in case you want to respond to that weird LinkedIn recruiter in Croatia.
Potential app name: The Crimson Bullet

The best period app ever

We haven’t actually figured out what this app might entail, but we have no doubt it’ll be amazing. All they have to do is completely disrupt periods. With legendary predecessors like birth control and Livia paving the way, their work is basically already done.

Glamour girl

Take Snake People’s obsession with Snapchat’s ingenious Lenses, pair that with women’s innate love for makeup, and what do you get? Glamour Girl. This app would distill and bottle the magical Flower Crown Lens that makes you beautiful no matter how many days it’s been since you washed or brushed your hair.

Now imagine there are fifty of those Lenses, each with barely detectable differences, all of which make you drop. dead. gorgeous. This one makes your eyes sparkle once, and this one sparkles twice. This one has lipstick, and this one has lipstick and blush. This one whitens your teeth, and this one makes you look like a sexy Picasso painting. Wait, no. You just turned your head too quickly.

Also, there’s great monetization potential: you could pay to unlock additional makeup packs and auto-upload photos to Tinder. Hellllooo, ladies: welcome to the future of beauty and love.

There you have it: five of our predictions for what’s hot and new in the 2017 tech diversity space. We’re not betting types, but we’re feeling pretty good about our odds.

Kimberly Koenig is a writer and photographer. When she isn’t satirizing tech culture, you’ll probably find her traveling or eating.

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Noun Project credit: The Ambulance by Josy Dom Alexis, Hair Dryer by Oliviu Stoian + Screwdriver by, Voodoo Doll by Samu Parra, tampon by Gracelle Mesina, makeup brushes by BomSymbol

We hope you enjoyed this piece of satire! We are excited to have this new form of story on Code Like A Girl.